When time didn't heal: TORINOKO CITY

Lately I've been wondering which of my covers is my favorite. Based on channel statistics, I guess most people like my cover of Datte the most.

But my favorite is actually TORINOKO CITY.

Published 11 Dec 2022.

I first heard this song while playing Project Diva Mega Mix. Even though the game did not put much emphasis on the lyrics, I realized that something about the composition and choice of words sparked some emotional response in me. So I checked out the lyrics and was immediately enamored of the song. It had worded how I felt about an unresolved past experience so well, that I felt like I could finally express myself and close the chapter once and for all.

I was so inspired that I had music video ideas lingering in my mind for days on end. At that time I was still rather new to Adobe After Effects, so I was not confident that I could not bring my ideas to life, and feared the potential disappointment if I failed. But the emotions had started boiling over after simmering for so many years, that eventually I mustered the courage to go through with the plan.

I reached out to Rei to request for an illustration inspired by the style of the original MV by 40mP. This was around the time when I was wondering if Minerva would feel more "me" if she had twintails like I used to IRL during the time period I wanted to sing about, so I requested for twintails and glasses. When I saw the final artwork it was perfect. 🥹💜

There were a few key scenes that I wanted made, and I hope to break them down and talk about my past a little!

!!! Trigger warning !!!

If you experience great distress when prompted by certain words or memories, I would recommend not continuing to read this post! Please take care, and know that I am truly in a better place now! Thank you for caring enough to read this post!

Scene 1: The days of being perceived and judged

Does anyone remember Nico Nico Douga in the early 2010s?

Although I've never uploaded content onto Nico Nico Douga, the way comments were splashed across videos felt imposing in the same way that expectations were put onto me by my Meido/ J-culture dance/ idol group, and our supporters. Every frame and movement was scrutinized, and people could leave comments on a whim. So I wanted to work around this concept for the first part of the song:

A point where 0 and 1 intersect Communication riddled with mistakes What is your name? Answer within 10 characters

A point where 0 and 1 intersect does not exist, or is a lie, and yet based on that people make baseless/ inappropriate/ uneducated comments about who I am or my life. They demanded to know more about me, and yet leave brutally little room for me to make my case. On the flip side, it was a common occurrence that my intentions were misunderstood because of the way I spoke, probably due to my body language and choice of words.

I wanted to express how my life was being perceived by others, so the start and end time of the video was instead "birth/ life" and "death". In the "video", different parts of "me" was zoomed in on, and eventually zooms out to show a fuller picture. But who's watching, and what are they going to do? Leave a comment of course.

Webdings. Because it doesn't matter what exactly they said anymore.

The scene ends with the viewer leaving a comment. I wanted to be a little self-indulgent and write what my leader (and childhood friend) was really trying to say when she texted me that I was no longer a part of the group effective immediately:

two-facedliarjustgetoutofmylifeyouwasteoftime

Despite having grown up together (we were literally brought up together from when we barely knew how to speak) and seen so much of my life, having gone to the same school, played together after school, had late night heart-to-heart talks during long bus rides home, hung out at extended family gatherings, she was convinced that I was two-faced, couldn't be trusted, and keeping me around meant risking her life and other's being compromised by people with ill-intentions that I would expose them to. Why? How? Since when?

Because I started to date someone that was untrustworthy in her and her best friend's eyes. Because despite their warnings I wanted to believe that my partner meant no harm. But most importantly, because I broke the rule they had set for me, which was that my partner was not allowed to be involved in our group activities in any way... Even though everyone else's partners were welcome.

What was not apparent back then was that I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship. Even I was not aware, so I never expected anyone to think otherwise. My top priority at that time was to do right by my partner, because I agreed to give the relationship a chance despite not having strong feelings for him. I was convinced by him that relationships work only through commitment. On hindsight it was a trap that he probably didn't even realize - I was told to commit to someone on no grounds other than commitment, so the relationship would fail only if I fail, putting the blame on me. But that was my first relationship, and I really didn't know better.

Back to TORINOKO CITY: All my leader did was leave me a wall of text and we never spoke again. I tried to explain myself but she said that I had apparently run out of chances. So I was left without my dear friend, unable to even thank my supporters one last time before "graduation/ retirement", and in the hands of my boyfriend who made me dance to his tune of the perfect girlfriend. (To be fair, I wanted to be a good girlfriend because I didn't like being told, "You lied to me," whenever I pushed back.)

Scene 2: The distorted days that followed after

A point where the past and future intersect The present where I've lost my way What are you living for? Answer within a 100 characters

I suppose the intersection point of the past and future is the present. But after being kicked out of my social circle and deep into another, everything was hazy. Who was I? What did I want? People around me, past and present, told me who I apparently was. But, then whose life did I live? Why was my perception of my life so different? And with all the things I lived for vanishing overnight, was there even an envision-able future for someone who couldn't even see herself? In the few years before this incident, I spent a lot of effort on contributing to my J-culture group's success, on fostering a better relationship with my family, and on my studies. But I was about to graduate and needed to look for employment, my father became physically abusive (the king does not rule the land, but he is still my father), my brother (the loving and capable crown prince) was leaving the country, and I was suddenly an outcast in the community.

So everything felt distorted: From the path I walked to anything I thought I wanted.

Truly, what was I living for? But no one could understand, so in Webdings I wrote:

sufferingsufferingsufferingsufferingsufferingsufferingsufferingsufferingsufferingsufferingsuffering

I had everything: Money, a "loving boyfriend", youth, a good education... Why would a young, talented princess with a knight in shining armor suffer? Yup, no way, right?

And just like that, life went on.

Scene 3: Time waits for no one, so my velocity is non-zero

Dawn approaches faster than ever All while I am unable to maintain my balance

The blurry, floating, dazzling feeling of slowly falling apart, but always rewinding in a snap just to do it all again.

But life doesn't wait. I was just making choices because I had to. I couldn't envision a future. All I could do was try to stay afloat whenever I felt like I was being tipped over or pushed into a dark place.

And before I knew it, I was always somewhere else: further from who I thought I was, and who I once thought I could be.

I ended up left behind somewhere In an artificial world without sound If it's just throwing away a rotten fruit, 2 persons are unnecessary -- I can do it myself.

I felt left behind by those I once cared about, by those who hoped better for me, and by the life I could/ should have lived. But I wasn't actually left behind -- I was unreachable, and with each day it felt like the chances of catching up (and being understood) was getting further and further away.

But life was "perfect", so all this suffering must have just been my imagination, right? I was living in the impenetrable fortress of my mind, so I wouldn't know if anyone tried to reach out to me. And since it's just my imagination, and people around me were happy for me, this hysteria MUST be because of me, right? I was the problem.

I didn't need anyone to validate if my life was worth saving. I was constantly on the verge of walking away. I don't believe in taking my own life as a solution to hardship, so erasing myself from everyone else's lives by abandoning everything I had felt like the only way out of the vicious cycle. Also, having anyone accompany me on that journey would defeat the purpose of "destroying everything". I had to go alone.

But I just kept falling deeper and deeper like it was the only way to go.

But I couldn't.

My life became flashes of incoherent images. One moment I was basking in the sun on a serene beach, the next moment I was naked and following orders whilst putting on expressions out of fear of warping the face looking at me. I was smiling and waving happily at customers, saying "see you tomorrow!", only for the clock to strike twelve whilst I'm peacefully putting my body through discomfort with glazed eyes so that I can focus on the silence and sensations.

Scene 4: I am just a female.

I was an object to be perceived for pleasure.

A point where evening and night intersect Wanting to meet someone but being unable to What is my name? Tell me within 10 characters

At some point my sense of self was reduced to my physical appearance because that was what I needed to maintain to get through my life: I needed to look pretty or mysterious enough to be desired, sexy enough to please, vulnerable enough to be imposed on, happy enough to be left alone, and sick enough to leave. I got used to seeing myself through a screen of what I imagine I look like in the eyes of others.

Friends of my boyfriend called me by my old stage name. My boyfriend called me by a pet name when happy, and a nickname when he wasn't. My family members called me by my middle name or my nickname. My clients called me by my first name. My new friends that I made called me by my stage name too.

So who was I? I was whoever they saw me as, I suppose. I wore different masks to be treated differently, but pretended to be 1 multifaceted identity. Was I always being myself? Yes. But I always only showed fragments of myself that fit in best with others because I didn't want to be judged. I just wanted to be seen, which I was.

I was alive. I got by. I smiled, and I cried. Isn't that what life is?

Scene 5: How I felt. Not about anything, not emotions, just feelings.

A point where lies and truth intersect The suffocating feeling like being unable to breathe What am I living for? Tell me within 100 characters

You don't need emotions to feel something. My life felt like a lie, yet I felt like I was living my truth. My world felt like a lie, yet it couldn't be more real. Against the hustle and bustle of city life, I each time I pondered my existence, I felt like I was shot straight through the heart. Yet it was just a droplet, causing tiny ripples in my day. The suffocation felt almost serene - like a clock ticking, reminding me that time still went on. Bad things pass. I can keep going.

But I was reaching a point of desperation. I started sending cryptic messages to a friend I used to be close to. I couldn't bring myself to word the extent of abuse I felt because it probably wasn't abuse if it was "just couple/ relationship things". I also feared that my insecure boyfriend would freak out if he found out that I was confiding in some other guy. I knew it was selfish of me because I knew that this friend had feelings for me, and honestly we probably would have dated if not because he had some issues he decided to resolve instead. But deep down I hoped that as someone who cared deeply for me, that he would show me the way out of this hell hole.

One day he tweeted, "I will no longer be strung along." And I knew my time was up. It was back to reality I go. I must go alone.

But why go anywhere? I would just live. It's okay to live for nothing as long as I kept living so that those who care about me get a piece of me to be content with their happy lives.

After all, I was just an object to be perceived and used.

Scene 6: Dawn came, and I finally tried to wake up.

Love. Hate. Love. Hate. This repetition... has made love weary, and... I don't need it anymore.

Being under a starry night sky has always felt grounding. (The stars might be too small in this frame!)

In general, I am not very emotionally expressive. But having lived 2 years of almost daily flipping between feeling positive and extremely negative, my determination to hold on to anything (I suppose love is the feeling of wanting to hold on to something) eventually ran out:

My broken relationship.

My family's perception of me.

The friendships I had made.

My self-righteousness.

The image of a good person that I tried to be.

Some kind words from a friend I wasn't even close to at that time was enough to spark my life back into motion.

Scene 7: Even if I'm headed into another broken world.

Time is the only thing that keeps passing by As the world crumbles by the second Covered it up with a distorted scenery I don't need the truth -- a lie is fine.

In truth, I was still full of sorrow at the life I felt I had lost since the day I agreed to date my boyfriend: I could no longer smile the same way as I used to (it was rare, but I always smiled from the bottom of my heart). My body felt irreversibly violated. I lost the confidence to commit to a career. My family was now full of secrets and walls erected to protect themselves from each other. My life was fine, but my world view was in shambles.

The friend who said kind words to me and gave me the confidence to move on? I knew that their kindness was laced with selfishness. I was in a committed relationship with someone but they made advances when they realized I was vulnerable. But they mustered up the right words, and I took them and painted a scenery that was full of potential.

Some of their advances irked me. I felt sick in the stomach when I knew they were crossing the line. But by that point I had become someone who would get high on suffering. It felt like time moved if I kept being strung along and beating myself up over the moral consequence. I didn't understand my sexuality back then, but deep down I felt that if dating a straight man lead to so much distress, what made me think that all my pain would vanish just by changing my band-aid?

But I did. Driven by the lie I painted for myself, when my boyfriend curled up behind me and said, "Don't leave me," I got out of bed and said, "I'm leaving." I was cruel, but that was how determined I was to finally have the chance to choose to live a lie. I didn't even plan to break up with him -- I just did.

I ended up left behind somewhere In a colorless world I saw in my dreams Even just throwing away a rotten fruit I can't do it by myself I want you by my side

Life if a lot less painful if there is someone to walk it with you. When I look at my life now, it's just an alternative to the silent fortress I used to live in. My visions of the future no longer have the sparkle and vibrancy of wonder and hope. It's not that I don't want to try, but having experienced high contrast, color has become secondary to being able to simply see the world in clarity.

I still feel broken because maybe if I was heterosexual, if I was more respectful of social norms, if I was a different person, that I would not have walked the path I did. Sometimes I still feel on the verge of mania and want to hit the reset button again. But I've learned that when someone truly feels alone, it can be difficult to even find the motivation to end their suffering.

So with the grace, patience, and understanding of my trusted life partner, and those who reach out to me, I hope to be able to find the courage and motivation to keep walking. With their acknowledgement, I want to silence the self-blame and self-deprecation and walk with those who wait for me.

And that's what TORINOKO CITY meant to me! 🥹

After releasing the cover, I felt a huge weight lift off my chest! It felt like I could finally close that chapter of my life and put a pretty ribbon on it! 🤔🤣💖

I don't like to repeat stories, so I never tried to explain what went into this cover. But I realized that it's been a long time since, and most people who follow my channel probably have not checked out my favorite cover. 🤔 So I wanted to honor the effort of my past self by putting it into words! 🥺💜

What a long post this ended up being! Thank you for reading! 🌙🐰