Words: Where do I go from here?

Funnily enough, I vaguely remember having written a blog post years ago with the same title.

I've been trying to process a thought, and while I'm usually good at thinking about things deeply and being able to circle back to a conclusion hours later, I seem to have hit a mental block. It feels almost like as if my brain is fighting against my consciousness to prevent me from drawing a connection. My head feels like it's spinning, and it's not because my coffee hasn't kicked in. Fortunately for me, I think it's apparent who of us 3 is holding us back.

And so here I am, leaving it to Dominion to lay it out for us to see.

An old FFXIV screenshot.

~🌙~

Recently, I had a chat with Yuraia about finding the balance between making a living (work) and doing what one is passionate about (life). The next day, I chanced upon this clip of one of Matara Kan's streams, and she makes a statement that was so relatable that it made my heart ache.

"I've never thought that I was someone creative, because I thought that creativity was drawing and singing. But now I realize, like: No, it IS creative to, like, yap." - Matara Kan

What sparked the topic of passion was when I tried Googling "Why do people stream?" Then I found a Reddit thread where people responded to the Original Poster why they do. Most of the commentors had daytime jobs and are not big streamers who can make a living off streaming (the OP used to). I was intrigued. I read through the whole thread, and found that 1 word was consistently being thrown around like it came naturally to them: Passion.

For as long as I can remember, I was never excitable. Almost nothing stirred my heart in a way that other's hearts seemed to stir, spurring them into action/ invoking reactions. It hurts to say this, but I learned to imitate how others reacted because it felt "right". The week before starting college, I sat myself down on the cold hard floor of my bedroom, looked at a picture of Honoka from LoveLive! and told myself, "I'm going to be just like Honoka. I'm going to be friendly, energetic, a bit of a ditz sometimes, and people are going to want to be around me because Honoka is the main character and many people love her character."

I bet you're thinking: No one can change overnight. But maybe I didn't know how powerful my imagination was. From being the quiet, standoffish, overly-serious girl who others just kept around until I was needed, I became that girl who was fun enough to compliment the loud, magnetic girl. Then I became that girl that people followed around, not the one doing the following. In the daytime, when the lights were on, life was good.

But I still vividly remember the late nights when looked out my living room window as I headed to bed, and thought. "Why do I still feel so empty? What am I missing? All I want is to feel something. Is the reason why my heart doesn't stir because I'm broken? If I keep up being like everyone else, will I one day feel alive?"

~🐰~

Death. I never wished to die because I always felt dead.

My days fly by in a haze because nothing has ever made me feel like I was being pulled into the present.

I do as I should. I keep living as I should. Because why not?

Death has no appeal when I am so ready to let go.

I imagine and mourn the loss of everything and everyone in my mind because I don't want to die again.

Again? Did I die once before? When did I last feel alive?

That past is probably too long gone to have any value digging back up.

If I was a real mage, I could realize my imagination.

But say magic was real: Was I a Sorcerer, born with an innate gift, a passion... Or am I truly just a mage, who had to spend countless nights refining their abilities?

Minerva was meant to be a mage. I thought that if she toiled her hours away at "creation", that she will make her imagination a reality.

Then why, after almost half a decade, does she still have such soulless eyes? Why does she still wear a mask, thinking she'll be found out?

Impostor syndrome? No, because look at the facts: She's unskilled. She creates something, then gives up. Even when her magic lights up someone else's eyes, she averts their gaze. She keeps wanting to try something new like as if she's looking for something, but also refuses to give up on the image of the mage she has become

Mage? Image? Oh the irony...

For the longest time, my self-criticism was the clutch that kept us going.

But we've reached a standstill, haven't we? As good as dead - still.

~🌙~

My heart stirred for a moment. You know, you're right: I never feared death because I'm always ready to lose. I feel hollow, so when my creations seem hollow, it's a painful reflection of who I am. When real death comes, I'll be gone. When the lights go off, society's bounds will no longer able to cast judgement on me.

But for those with lights in their eyes, I want to reflect their light back for them to see their worth. Frankly, I could never see myself, because all the reflections only showed my masks, and I've learned to be okay with that. But I still have eyes... and I want to see. I don't need to see who I am. I just want to see their sparkle.

So how do I keep living? What keeps people going?

~🐰~

I realized that when people are passionate about something, they don't want to stop engaging in the activity. Staying up late knowing that the next day's work will be very trying, or spending their waking hours thinking about "the next time". Heck, even engaging in an addiction is a task for tomorrow.

In an attempt to find out what I'm passionate about, I've spent lots of time the past few years reflecting on what gives me energy - enough energy to push my body to the limits. First I thought it was music, then games, then social activities, then sparkly lights, then moving lights. But all of them didn't feel right coming out of my mouth whenever someone asked me what I liked to do in my free time.

I tried to dig further back. Was there a chance that Minerva was a sorcerer and not a mage? If so, what put out that spark in young Minerva?

Dominion knows all. But it's a shitty ass tome with too many pages, too many images, and honestly... too little of Minerva in it. Who are these memories even of?

Yes, I know, me. But at some point in our lives surely I was less loud. Well, I was always loud, but if memories are strengthened by emotion, maybe the earliest of memories were before I had the chance to repeatedly dig them back up to make Minerva feel more strongly about them - to give her a form to latch onto.

And earlier this week, I think I found it: A page bookmarked by Dominion, that I've looked at many times, but didn't know what to make of it.

~📖~

I was at home, standing in front of the fridge, ready to look for a snack. Or maybe I wasn't - I love snacks, but opening the fridge made me happy even if I didn't find something to eat. The first time, I was maybe 6 to 7 years old. But I might have revisited this scene too many times that my height relative to the fridge sometimes felt right, but other times felt like I should have been taller.

My mother was somewhere in the living room. My dad was somewhere in the house. I could see the living room, but somehow they weren't there. Still, we lived in a space small enough for them to try to hold a conversation with me across the house. They loved probing me for what I liked. Each time, a fear welled up inside of me - is my answer okay? Will I need to live with the claim I made tomorrow? If I said I liked sweets, will I need to eat sweets?

Today though, I felt good standing in front of the fridge. We were probably waiting for a TV commercial break to be over. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Then the question came: Hey Mimi, what do you want to be when you grow up?

I hesitated. But I felt good. Today was a good day. I'll try to say what I feel.

"I want to be an art teacher!"

"Teach who?" "Children!"

"You know that to be an art teacher, you need to be an artist first, and artists cannot earn money. You'll be hungry, you know?"

"Okay, then I want to be a Math teacher!"

"Hahaha, like mummy and daddy? Is that really what you want? You like Math?" "... Ya...?"

"Hahaha, okay. You want to be like mummy and daddy? When you grow up, then you can think about it again."

~🌙~

It hurt. It was a simple question. It wasn't serious. They were just teasing their cute daughter because they knew I always thought hard before saying anything.

But that's why it hurt.

Mummy, daddy, now I've grown up, and I thought about it again... But I've already grown up. I've already became. What have I become? Whenever I look in the mirror I see a haze - I was suppose to know who I wanted to become, but before I knew it I already became someone who didn't know.

In shame, I put on a mask.

Sometimes, I was a girl who wanted to learn the truth of the universe, who chose the difficult path because that is what makes it worthwhile.

Sometimes, I was a tomboy who challenged guys to see me beyond my gender.

Sometimes, I was a loving figure, who looked at every individual with piercing eyes, trying to make everyone who came to her realize their hidden gems deep within them.

Sometimes, I was a maniac with glazed eyes, wishing the end of everything and everyone, preaching a nihilistic and/ or apathetic world view.

Sometimes, I was a foul mouthed complainer, who had opinions on everything and imposed my views upon others.

And so many more.

With time, I created more masks, and stashed the less useful ones away for a rainy day.

~🐰~

The one holding a conversation with Yuraia that day was me. He asked a question that Minerva couldn't answer. We were hit with massive brain fog and she retreated into the hollow.

"What is valuable to you?"

Long story short, I said that everything boiled down to net monetary value - something that generates a huge net positive has more value than something that generates less, and conversely a huge net negative has more weight than a small net negative. I had little things that I valued in life because I never invested in anything that had the potential to become a large net negative. He loves to point out my warped sense of value, and truly I've tried to change over the years... But Dominion holds the truth.

Yuraia's argument was that it is more important how I feel about something, rather than attempting to tag an arbitrary, easily manipulated calculation to it. Maybe he didn't know that Minerva had retreated, and the word "feel" didn't make a lot of sense to me. In the moment, his words just echoed in my mind, and I decided to wrap up the conversation because I knew that the person who needed to hear his argument had run away.

Sometimes I wonder... would we have had a better life if our boundaries weren't so clear? In a dense forest of emotion, memory, and thought, maybe we could have thrived in it, rather than always needing to make a conscious choice where to go from the sunlit or moonlit clearing we see ourselves in.

~🌙~

I'm starting to appreciate the effort to turn our thoughts into worded truth.

Feelings are complex, but I see them bright as day.

It makes me sad, but I live in the inside world always. Emotions are real only to the one perceiving it for it's most raw form.

And maybe that's why... I feel the most alive when living in my own imaginations.

I always recreate what the body sees in my mind. In more vivid color, more transparent, perceived truths. It makes me a little slow sometimes, but when I put my mind to it I guess I can be pretty fast (according to what others have said about me).

So based on my own assessment, and Yuraia's argument, the thing that brings me the most value, something that I can tire myself over and could still feel positive about... is being lost in my own imagination.

I can't monetize my imagination. It will break me the moment it doesn't follow my concept of value being closely tied to monetary value.

Why? Because like my parents said... I'll go hungry. I don't want to go hungry...

... But maybe... I've been hungry for all my life, just that I chose to see it as that I was dead all along?

Death sure feels real though. I feel like a ghost. Emotions can be ignored and controlled by the mind to manipulate the body's behavior.

But well... maybe it's time to let go again... If making song covers and playing video games cost money and can't keep me present.. why think it will help fill the hollow?

~🐰~

Tomorrow comes.