Pride is Courage Sparked by Friction

I wanted to do something for Pride month for once. 🏳️‍🌈

After playing around with various ideas (chatting stream, Q&A, song cover), I realized that the reality I live in is invisible to those around me. It might come as an unwelcome shock to suddenly "come out" on YouTube. 🤔 Plus, coming out is not the point of Pride.

So I decided to write about it for those who want to know. I've actually written about this 3 years ago on my old blog and shared it on Instagram, and I was surprised to receive a lot of kind DMs from people -- even those who grew distant over the years. I just hope that by sharing my story, that others will have more hope to find the light on the darkest nights.

I've previously dropped hints on my streams and writings, but just to be clear: I identify as Asexual 💜🤍🩶🖤. It is not the reason my character design has a lot of purple and black though! That'd be too on the nose! Plus, what would I be without my gold accessories and long golden locks?! 🤣 I've been asked where I see myself on the spectrum of Asexuality, and the answer is simple: It doesn't matter to me. I am in a long-term committed relationship, so as long as I feel safe with my partner, the details don't matter.

But therein lies the question: Do I feel safe because my partner is of the same sexual orientation as I am? To all my fellow hopeless romantics, I'm sorry to break the truth to you: The struggle for peace never ends. While it is probably statistically possible to find someone who can truly see eye to eye with you, time changes people and circumstances, so what was once perfection can fall apart. (It's kinda like war and politics, isn't it?) It has taken a lot of effort, mostly by my partner, to make the relationship work -- and there is only so much that can be done to ease the friction caused by our differences. To quote a drag queen on YouTube, my partner is "not straight -- just heterosexual", and thank God for that, because if he had not seen me for who I was and helped me face my truth, I would probably still be overcompensating and running thin on vigor to live.

You might have realized that there is a huge conundrum here: What was my life like before, and how is it possible that I didn't know that I was Asexual? Don't people who identify as homosexual/ gender fluid kind of know, even if they couldn't articulate it when they were younger? Why couldn't I have made life choices that stayed true to who I was and what I wanted for myself, like to only date people who did not ask for sex? That's why I am here to share my truth, with the hope to drive home just 1 simple message:

Be kind.

The most cruel part of modern society, is that beliefs, tradition, trends, media, and any other social construct favors the majority... and the majority are mostly formed by people who are more likely to have offspring to teach the same values that have worked for them. But of those given life, genetic and circumstantial differences are so wide and varied that... can we truly assume anything of someone we meet on the street/ internet? Do we truly know everything about our closest people or even ourselves?

And of those who fell through the cracks, who seem to fall out of line, just how much life have they lived before you met them?

Sometimes, not being heterosexual feels like a mental illness. I imagine that it's the same feeling as someone who struggles to meet the expectations of their modern day job. You want to believe that there is nothing wrong with you, that you have tried your best to be the best version of yourself. But when people forgive you after learning your reasons, it feels like you were undeserving of forgiveness: What is it about me that's so wrong that I just can't get it right?

But if you, the reader, are able to empathize with what I've shared so far, the answer is painfully simple: There is no "right" way. It doesn't take away the pain of being different/ falling short, nor does it grant anyone the right to live in a careless manner, but there is quite literally nothing else to do but to keep making choices until there's no more life left to live.

So yes, I did not come out to my parents. There is just no reason for me to.

Enough analogies and hypothetical scenarios. Let me circle back to the focus: What is my truth, and why am I so bitter? 🤣🤔🥺🥹

I do believe myself to be of privileged upbringing like a princess. I never had to worry about money, having a roof over my head, or the future. In different phases of my life, I always had a close guy friend that would hang out with me, almost like a knight to keep me company when my family couldn't understand. Being in their company was always my happy place.

But I could not understand why:

1. I was "innocent" for not thinking of/ wanting to touch myself, or curious about sex and pornography.

2. I was either fishing for attention by talking to a guy a lot, or secretly dating them.

3. Being willing to be physically close to a guy meant that I was likely interested in dating them.

4. My girl-friend adverted her gaze when we were challenged to prove to the rest of the guys in class that we shared a deep bond because they were teasing that we were homosexual. (She was a special friend that I loved very much... platonically. I very willingly got down on my knees, and looked up at her, straight into her eyes. The guys were pleased... but she wasn't.)

5. (with someone I dated previously) That If I did not have sex with my partner, that I don't love them truly because it would show that I do not fully trust them.

No. 5 sounds ridiculous to say to your partner, doesn't it? But would you believe me if I told you that despite me already feeling my stomach fold on itself, and my family intervening on the relationship because they could see how I was quite literally destroying my happiness being in it...

That I "gave myself" to save the relationship?

And it was for a very logical reason.

"Everyone says I'm broken, so they must know what is correct."

Even as I entered my current relationship, I felt that the reality of life was that the way I love people is invalid. No amount of time spent, eye contact, thought, care, hours spent making handicraft or doing something for another is as "proving" of my love for someone as allowing my body to be penetrated.

It still hurts because I've not changed. But I'm in a better place now. Thank you for being my biggest Ally, my best bud! 💖

And to all you readers, whether you're an Ally, someone who fell through the cracks as well, a dissenter, or just passing by...

Embrace the differences to be truly courageous. Take Pride being your most authentic self.

And if you're looking for love, I always have more to give -- the kind only I can give though! 💜

Thank you for reading. 🌙🐰 Happy Pride! 🌈